When we meet someone and fall in love, we have a sense that the whole universe is on our side. Life moves very fast. It rushes us from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds. I will never fall in love again, because love spoiled everything. My aim is to understand love. I know how alive I felt when I was in love, and I know that everything I have now, however interesting it might seem, doesn’t really excite me. Love is a terrible thing. I know that the remedy is worse than the pain: I simply don’t fall in love. The truth was quite different: I don’t want anyone at all.

Everything tells me that I am about to make a wrong decision, but making mistakes is just part of life. I’ve realized that sometimes you get no second chance and that it’s best to accept the gifts the world offers you. Of course, it’s risky. If I must be faithful to someone or something, if I must be faithful to someone or something, then I have, first of all, to be faithful to myself. If I’m looking for true love, I first have to get the mediocre loves out of my system. The little experience of life I’ve had taught me that no one owns anything, that everything is an illusion—and that applies to material as well as spiritual things. Anyone who has lost something, they thought was theirs forever finally comes to realize that nothing really belongs to them. And if nothing belongs to me, then there’s no point wasting my time looking after things that aren’t mine; it’s best to live as if today were the first (or last) day of my life. I can choose either to be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It’s all a question of how I view my life.

I’m living the future not the present. The rollercoaster is my life; life is a fast and dizzying game; life is a parachute jump; it’s taking chances, falling over and getting up again; its mountaineering; its wanting to get to the very top of yourself and to feel angry and dissatisfied when you don’t manage it. I believe that the track is my destiny and the God is in charge of the rollercoaster machine. A writer once said that it is not time that changes man, or knowledge; the only thing that can change someone’s mind is love.
Love was undoubtedly one of the things capable of changing a person’s whole life, from one moment to next. But there was the other side of the coin, the second thing that could make a human being take a totally different course from the one he or she had planned; and that was called despair. Yes, perhaps love really could transform someone, but despair did the job more quickly. I could have responded in all kinds of ways, but – like most people – I let fate choose which route I should take. In the search of happiness, however, we are all equal. I didn’t ask to be born, I’ve never found anyone to love me, I’ve always made the wrong decisions – now I’m letting life decide for me. But life is teaching me – very fast – that only the strong survive. To be strong, I must be the best, there is no alternative.

I’m not a body with a soul; I’m a soul that has a visible part called the body. All this week, contrary to what one might expect, I have been more conscious of the presence of this soul than usual. It didn’t say anything to me didn’t criticize me or feel sorry for me: it merely watched me. Today, I realized why this was happening: it’s been such a long time since I thought about love or anything called love. It seems to be running away from me, as if it wasn’t important anymore and didn’t feel welcome. But if I don’t think about love, I will be nothing. I need to write about love. I need to think and think and write and write about love – otherwise, my soul won’t survive.

If I were to tell someone about my life today, I could do it in a way that would make them think me a brave, happy, independent woman. All my life, I thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement. Well, that’s a lie: freedom only exists when love is present. The person, who gives him or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the person who loves most wholeheartedly. And the person who loves wholeheartedly feels free. That is why, regardless of what I might experience, do or learn nothing makes sense. I hope this time passes quickly, so that I can resume my search for myself --- in the form of a man who understands me and does not make me suffer. But what am I saying? In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel. It hurt when I lost each of the various men I fell in love with. Now, though, I am convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it.

I would like to believe that I’m in love. With someone I don’t know and who didn’t figure in my plans at all. All these months of self-control, of denying love, have had exactly the opposite result: I have let myself be swept away by the first person to treat me a little differently.

I have learned that waiting is the most difficult bit, and I want to get used to the feeling, knowing that you’re with me, even when you’re not by my side. Profound desire, true desire is the desire to be close to someone. Each day I choose the truth by which I try to live. I try to be practical, efficient, and professional. But I would like to be always to choose desire as my companion. Not out of obligation, not to lessen my loneliness, but because it is good. When I had nothing to lose, I had everything. When I stopped being who I am, I found myself. Life is too short, or too long, for me to allow myself the luxury of living it so badly. I will concentrate still more on my studies and, for a while, forgot about that marvelous, murderous thing called “LOVE”.